Hi, my name is Ger and I’m an introvert.

Something a bit different from my normal posts.

I read an article (from here) yesterday that resonated with me and I decided I wanted to talk about it a bit. It’ll be easier if you read it too, but in short it was the author talking about how she used doing the dishes while hosting a dinner party to recharge/recover a bit from the socialising, then returning to it.

I’m an introvert and I also enjoy having a solid bunch of friends who I see and socialise with regularly. Luckily age and self-confidence means it’s no longer as crippling as it once was but it’s still something I need to balance lest I turn into a grumpy lump.

It’s not you, it’s me.

There are occasions where we’ll be scheduled to go out with a bunch of people to a party or event that sounds great in the abstract, but when it comes time to leave the house I just won’t feel like going out. It’s nothing to do with the event itself, but more that my mind is in a place where sitting on the couch to read or game, or do some cooking, seems like a much more attractive proposition than hanging out with other people for a few hours. Sometimes I’ll power through that feeling and go out anyway, but that can go either way. Maybe when I get there things will pick up, but just as often I get there and become the aforementioned grumpy lump (glump?). Sometimes I do abandon the plans and stay at home, and Erin goes out and conveys my apologies. I feel slightly guilty at bailing, slightly disappointed I’m missing out, but overall it’s a better end result for everyone.

Other times the occasion will be in progress and maybe I’ve been there a couple of hours already, and I’ll suddenly feel like I’m done and I need a break. I’m pretty good at recognising that feeling when it happens and taking action reasonably early to deal with it – i.e. leaving before I turn into the glump. There’s the slight awkwardness of abandoning ship earlier than expected but I think at this point people are aware that it’s a thing I sometimes do!

It’s not you, it’s me.

Most of the above feelings really only apply for larger less “personal” social events – group dinners out, barbecues, pubs, parties, etc. Going to someone’s house for a meal, or even meeting up with a couple of other people in a pub – really, anything involving ~6 or fewer people I guess – are all fine. It’s a group size I feel far more comfortable in, maybe because participation in that size of group is entirely on my own terms. If I’m feeling gregarious then I can get involved in whatever the (usually sole) conversation is at the time, but if I’m in a more quiet mood then I can quite happily relax and mostly listen. The small group makes this still feel like some kind of passive participation rather than potential feeling of just not being there or being lost in a much larger group in the same situation.

This leads nicely on to the hosting we do in our own home, for groups both small (2-4 other people over for dinner) and large (12-14 people over for cocktail parties). When we’re hosting a cocktail party I tend to spend most of the night in the kitchen preparing the cocktails and maybe talking to the 1-2 other people that come in for a while and then go back to the main area. It’s been commented on multiple times that I should get out to the living room, sit down, enjoy myself – but I already am! This is back to the passive participation thing again, although working slightly differently. In that situation I enjoy just listening to the conversations happening, having some of my own smaller ones, and I can’t “get lost” when hosting my own party – I’ve got a task, and things are entirely on my own terms.

And finally, getting back around to what started this post – my reading the linked article and it resonating with me.

When we have a few people over for dinners I’m in my element: I enjoy the conversation, I’m showing off and enjoying the new things that I’ve cooked, I’m slowly turning people into slightly rounder blobs of human. But often, maybe just after dessert is finished, I’ll be up and taking dishes to the kitchen, spending some time stacking the dishwasher, pottering around a bit. I’ve sometimes felt guilty about it – why not just leave it, it can be done later, get back to the table! – but it’s not supposed to be a signal to other people that the evening is over, not supposed to be a passive-aggressive not-so-subtle hint that it’s time to be thinking of transport. I’m just having a little recharge, carry on, I’ll be back shortly.

Hi, my name is Ger and I’m an introvert. It’s not you, it’s me, and that’s ok.